In Memory of Liam

Healing

2011-08-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

These past months have been very healing for me. Seeing and holding my nephew Ezra when he was born was healing for me. It was the first time for me to hold a baby since losing Liam. I was scared to hold or see a newborn before that time. I was so happy for my brother and sister in law. It was very emotional for me because it brought me back to a hospital room, a room that was not happy for me the last time I had gone. I was pregnant at the time and hoping for the same outcome that my brother and sister- and law had. A healthy baby boy. I had two previous happy experiences of bringing home healthy baby boys, so I was praying and hoping for the same.

Getting pregnant and having Carter has been very healing for me. I remember having him that early morning and holding him and nursing him right away gave me great healing. I felt very very grateful to be holding him in my arms. I was so grateful that he was healthy. The next day I remember looking at his feet and thinking of Liam's tiny feet. His feet didn't have a chance to get this big. They were amazing though as all babies tiny hands and feet are. I still wonder what really happened to Liam, but my heart does not hurt as much and does not sting as much. I know that does not mean I love him any less. I am just at a new place in my life enjoying my two month old and older boys and always feeling grateful for the blessings God has given me, and that of course always includes Liam and his short little life.

heaven

2011-03-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

"They say that heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there." Author unknown

always missing you

2010-11-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

you will always be my baby

always be my son

always miss you

always love you

always wonder

Life goes on, but you will always be my baby

It's not fair that I will not see you grow up

The sadness of not having you hear will never completely go away

I cry for you still, even as I carry your brother or sister

I love you my baby

You are real, loved and always missed by your mommy

Liam's 20 week ultrasound picture

2010-09-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

The day we had the 20 week ultrasound with Liam, I had planned on getting pictures printed out to show everyone, but instead left empty handed and sobbing. You know how the story goes. I got up the nerve to call my doctor's office this week to see if they still had my ultrasound pictures. I wasn't sure if they saved the pictures or not and sure enough I was so happy to hear they saved them. I cried on the phone to the nurse and thanked her and told her how much this meant to me. I knew the quality would not be great, but I am grateful to have it. What I really wanted to have done is a 3 D ultrasound during my pregnancy with him. There were a lot of things that I wanted to do with him, but will never get to. It saddens me greatly. When I look at this picture I just see a sweet little baby resting in his mommy's womb.

due date

2010-09-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Hi baby boy! Today was your due date the day I had circled in my calendar to expect your arrival. You sure surprised mommy and daddy by leaving this earth so soon. Mommy didn't know that you had died so soon because you were moving around. I remember feeling one VERY strong movement one night like you were doing a flip flop and I mentioned it to daddy. I think that was the last "real" movement I felt from you. Maybe you went to heaven that night.

My friend Angela, mom to "angel " Charlotte sent me a card in the mail and I opened it this morning. It's a little green card with colorful flowers on the front and a profile of a sweet little boy. You are this sweet little boy that I hope to see in my dreams. I will treasure this card forever and it is next to your urn.

Today is a peaceful beautiful day with the sun shining bright. Daddy planted two rose bushes in your honor last week. I noticed this morning that the red rose bush has just one tiny beautiful red rose on it. On your 1st heavenly birthday I want to plan on spreading some of your ashes on the ground of your rose bushes.

I love you!

I love you

2010-09-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Hi baby boy! I wonder who you are playing with up in heaven? Maybe you are playing with your great grandfather, my pappy. Maybe he is holding you and rocking you or maybe you are running around and playing with all of your "angel" baby friends. There is one thing I know for sure is that you are up there smiling and laughing and at perfect peace. Last weekend Grammy and I visited pappy Rohm's grave at the cemetery and he has the most beautiful headstone. It says "Jesus Saves" in the middle of the stone and reading that made my heart feel so peaceful. Pappy would have been 78 years old this year and we all miss him a lot. When he died it was the first time I really felt grief. I remember that I was in my last year of college and on my way home from internship I would cry and cry. I had only been married to daddy for three months when he died. I was so happy that pappy could come to our wedding. It meant so much that he got up out of his wheel chair to dance with me. He had the best smile and laugh. I know he is loving having one of his great grandchildren in heaven with him.

Tomorrow was your due date and I am feeling sad. I have gotten several cards in the mail from baby loss mom pen pals and that really helps to know other moms are thinking about you and I and our family.

Your brothers are keeping me busy and they are enjoying kindergarten and second grade. They like to pick at one another though which is driving mommy crazy.

My friend Sara lost a beautiful baby boy named Carter awhile ago. Today she had a rainbow baby girl and I shed tears of joy for her. Maybe you know Carter? Maybe Carter and you are playing in heaven. She is such a strong Christian and such a strong mom. I am so happy for Sara and her family. I love hearing about rainbow babies being born.

Tomorrow I will light a candle for you and for all of your baby friends in heaven. I love you!

aching arms

2010-08-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

My due date is coming and I feel like I need a baby to hold....I have such fears of even looking at a newborn baby. I am not afraid of a one year old or even a six month old...its seeing a newborn that gets me so emotional. At the pool I had to completely walk around a mom and her newborn avoiding eye contact. I think it might be good for me to hold a newborn, but I haven't had the opportunity yet. I know I am feeling this way because of the longing inside of me to have my baby here with me. I don't want to give myself too much pressure, but I can't fear the "newborn" forever. I guess I have what people call "ACHING ARMS"

missing you

2010-08-12T00:29:00.000-07:00

I am so sad tonight...I can't sleep. I will never understand why you could not be with us on this earth. I am missing not being able to hold you in my arms. I guess you were just too beautiful for this earth. I hardly even know what to write anymore. I want to know if you really would have looked like your brothers?

No one loves you on this earth like I do...it is so lonely

A prayerful night

2010-06-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Last evening, the four of us went to the library so your brother's could turn in their book slips to get a free prize for reading books. I was able to get a few minutes to look at books by myself, and I went into the health section and noticed a couple of books on pregnancy. One stood out to me so I opened it up and couldn't stop looking. It was real photographs of all the stages of pregnancy and it was amazing to look at. There was a picture of an 8 week pregnancy and it looked just like you when we saw you on the first ultrasound. I also saw a 4 and half month pregnancy, and that is what you would have looked like in my womb before you died.
After daddy and I put your brothers to bed I got butterflies in my stomach. That feeling is from me missing you and feeling anxious about where exactly you are and what you are doing there.
A couple hours later daddy went to bed and I told him I wasn't ready and that I would come to bed a little later. I knew that I needed to have a talk with the Lord and share with Him how I was feeling and speak the truth out loud. I thanked the Lord that you are safe with Him. You aren't in any pain and you are free from the sin of this world. I am thankful for that and after I said that prayer my heart calmed down and I went to bed.

A Letter to my Son

2010-05-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

I found out that I was pregnant with you on December 18th, 2009. I felt so blessed by the Lord to be pregnant with you. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I was very cautious because I was afraid of losing you. Things were looking good after the first couple of weeks. We had an ultrasound around 9 weeks on January 28th. Daddy and I saw you jumping and moving around. The doctor told me that everything looked normal and that you were even measuring bigger than expected. We told your brothers the exciting news around 13 weeks and they were thrilled to say the least. Early on in the pregnancy I searched and searched for a boys name that I liked. Daddy and I agreed that your name would be Liam. Your name is Irish and means unwavering protector. The time I carried you, which was exactly 20 weeks and 5 days, will always be a very special time for me. I really enjoyed showing you off to the world. On March 19th I went in for another doctor appointment. The doctor found your strong heartbeat and I was relieved to hear it. Somewhere between that doctor appointment and our next ultrasound you went to heaven. I will never know the exact day because I thought I had felt your movements the whole time. On Aril 19th Daddy and I heard the worst news of our lives. It has been very hard on us now that you are in heaven. It does give me peace to know that you are in the care of our Lord Jesus who loves you. When I get to heaven, I can't wait to hold you and look at your beautiful face.

Love,

Mommy

"Perfect Hands and Feet"

2010-05-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

There is something that I need to write down because I don't ever want to forget it. Something that wasn't included in the "Moment to Remember note" that means so much to me. The nurses that helped me during the delivery of Liam were all wonderful and sensitive. One nurse in particular calmed my fears about holding my son in such a way that I will never forget. When I was ready to hold the baby, yet still scared, she calmly brought Liam over to us and said "I think he's beautiful. He has perfect hands and feet." She handed him to me and through my tears I said, "He is beautiful." "He looks like Ryan and Aaron."
I will never forget holding his tiny body, looking at his tiny hands and feet were amazing to me. I remember saying to Dave that all of us at one point had hands and feet so tiny like his. I will forever be grateful for the nurse who calmed my fears and saw what a miracle my baby was. God created him and made him fearfully and wonderfully made. God granted me that blessing of being able to hold and see my baby and I will never forget it. When I get to heaven I hope I will be able to see how he's grown, and what color his eyes and hair are. I wish so much that I would have been able to see him grow up on this earth, but am grateful that I have the hope of seeing him again in heaven.

A Moment To Remember

2010-05-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hello all. This is Dave. I want to share with everyone my thoughts on the moment we saw and held our son.

Before the delivery Michelle and I talked about whether or not we wanted to hold and see the baby. We both knew for the most part we wanted to and knew we would never regret the decision but due to the circumstances we were both a little scared and unsure what we should do. Before the delivery I encouraged Michelle that she could handle it and recommended we do it. After the delivery Michelle looked to the doctor, the nurse, and me for direction. In an effort to protect my wife I tried pushing for the nurse to wrap the baby up so she and I could hold "it" but not have it seen. In retrospect I think I used the word "it" as a coping mechanism for what I had seen. I had seen the baby when he was delivered and knew that he was not what she would expect to see. Because the baby had passed 3 weeks prior, he was very brown, limp, and tiny. She didn't quite buy into my suggestion and looked to the other two for direction but got the same response. The nurse then asked if we wanted to know the sex. We said yes and she told us our baby was a boy. Some time passed and both of us decided we would like to hold and see him. The nurse brought the baby over and put him into her arms. The lighting in the room was dim so she brought the baby closer to see. I thought at that moment she wouldn't be able to handle it. Instead, she smiled and said as only a mother could "I think he's beautiful. I can see Ryan and Aaron in him." Yes…. the baby was not as she had expected.. but she saw all the features that to her were perfect. It was at that moment I realized with a flood of emotions I can't describe that this baby I had so callously referred to as "it" was her little boy…. the child she had carried and nurtured for months. There in her arms was our son…. Liam Patrick. The brother of Ryan and Aaron…the grandson to Thelma, Jonathan, Jim and Connie. A Great grandson to Me Maw, a cousin, and a nephew. We both took some time to hold him. We were amazed that at his size he could have perfect hands and feet with toes and finger nails. We could see a tongue, lips and ear lobes. He spent the night in the room with us. Two of us slept and one rested in peace.

Although he never breathed the air we breathe…..he LIVED for 18 weeks. Although he never had a chance to cry….he SPOKE to us. He told us in that moment that everything was going to be OK. He reminded us how precious and amazing life is…how loving and caring family and friends can be… and how blessed we are to have two wonderful and beautiful sons here on earth.

For those of you who are trying to understand what we are going through start by not thinking (as I did before our moment) of all the clichés like this was a common thing many people go through… a time that will pass…. a moment that should be forgotten and not spoken of… a cruel reality of life we have to get over… I ask that instead you think about our moment. A moment that surprised us for the good in that it brought out the best in the people we know and the best in each other. Yes… I wish this had never happened. Yes…. I'm saddened our son never got the chance to BE beyond who he was…. never had a chance to pray to his Lord and Savior…. never had a chance to walk on a ball field with his brothers…. never got a chance to get a piggy back ride from his father… and never had a chance to get a hug and kiss from his mother. Even though we wish Liam could be here with us we thank our Sovereign Lord for that moment. It was a moment we do not want to forget. It was a moment we will hold fast to till we meet him face to face in heaven.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. The outreach you have all given us is very comforting.

Dave

"I'm sorry, your baby has no heartbeat."

2010-05-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

The next day was the ultrasound. Praise the Lord that Dave came with me on that day....
I was 20 weeks and 5 days along in the pregnancy. We went in the doctor's office filled with excitement and anticipation. The ultrasound technician called us in and I hopped out of my chair with a big smile on my face. She turned on the machine and I saw our well formed baby as the technician was doing her thing. I thought for a second to myself, "shouldn't I be hearing a heartbeat right now" Then I thought that she must have the machine turned down and that's why we didn't hear a heartbeat. I didn't see any movement either, but I just trusted that everything was okay. She looked around for about three minutes in dead silence and said," I am going to get the doctor to take a look"....When she left I said to Dave, "Well, I hope there's no problem" We were both a little concerned at that time. The doctor came in and looked for about 15 seconds and said " I am so sorry Michelle, but your baby has no heartbeat. " She said that our baby was only measuring about 17 weeks. I didn't say a word and looked to the floor with tears in my eyes. I was in complete shock and thought, this has to be a cruel joke of some kind. The doctor told us that we should go to the hospital so I could deliver the baby and I should do it as soon as possible. I left the doctor appointment feeling numb and in shock. I didn't want to believe what the doctor told me....on the car ride home I said to Dave that maybe the machine was broken. I thought I had felt the baby move just a couple of days ago....so the machine had to be broken.

When Dave and I came back to our house after hearing our baby was dead, we had to decide when to go into the hospital so I could deliver our baby. My doctor wanted me to go in as soon as possible. While Dave was picking the boys up from school, I was busy trying to pack my bag for the hospital. I packed a change of clothes, my slippers, contact solution and other essentials in my suitcase. I also felt the need to take my ipod because music has a way of comforting me, especially my worship songs. I don't think I got any sleep during the 8 hours of labor, but I listened to my ipod almost the whole time.

It took about 8 hours of labor to deliver Liam. No one will ever know how I feel or understand the depth of my pain unless they have been in my shoes. I can tell you it isn't fair to have to go through 8 hours of labor, to hold your dead baby and leave him at the hospital. How in the world did I make it through that without going crazy or freaking out? I know it had to be the Lord giving me my strength and interceding for me in those moments. Dave was so supportive and loving to me during those moments.

My doctor induced labor and it took about an hour for me to feel a contraction. The second contraction came on very strong and I was grabbing onto the hospital bed. The nurse called for the anesthesiologist to come give me an epidural. Those moments were very tense as he gave me the epidural. The first time he put it in the wrong spot and I felt tingles up my leg. Thank goodness the second time he got it on the right spot and I wasn't feeling the contractions anymore. A couple hours later, at 2:45 in the morning, I pushed him out easily with no physical pain. The room was dark, quiet, and somber. My work of laboring was over, but instead of nursing my baby, he lay quietly in a bed next to me. That is one of the things I missed the most...nurturing and caring for my baby. I even had milk come in later that week with no baby to feed.

The excitement of a new baby

2010-05-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

I made it past 13 weeks!. Now I was really starting to get excited. Dave and I went shopping for some much needed baby equipment around week 16. I found a really cute gender neutral safari themed crib bedding set at a mom's club sale...along with a new highchair, bouncy seat, car seat, diaper bag, and a baby bath tub. Around this time I also felt Liam's first movements...an amazing and reassuring feeling. Everything was starting to get in order and I was more at ease than I had been through the whole pregnancy. Remarkably, we already had a boy and a girl named picked out that we both agreed on. The middle names were even decided on! We talked about if we would find out the gender when the time came, and we came to the conclusion that we would wait and be surprised on the birth day.
At 17 weeks I went in for my routine checkup where the doctor was able to hear a healthy heartbeat. I felt so reassured at that doctor appointment. My Doctor told me that I didn't need to worry and that "I am out of the woods" when it came to another miscarriage. I feel like I have the best qualified doctors, but what I realize is that doctors they don't always have all of the right answers. How was she to know that my baby was going to die shortly after that visit? How was I to know that he died between week 17 and 19? I felt him moving and I thought I felt movements all the way to the 20th week. I had no cramping, no bleeding, no changes in my pregnancy at all.
The weekend before our 20 week ultrasound, my mom came to visit us. We all worked very hard to get the baby's room set up. I put the curtains up by myself and let Dave and Mom move the baby equipment. They brought up the changing table and crib, which needed a good cleaning. I was so thankful to finally have the baby's room in order. I had more energy and was excited for our ultrasound on April 19th.

9 week ultrasound on 1/28/2010

Feeling so blessed

2010-05-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

I feel very blessed that I am able to get pregnant so easily..it has never been an issue. I have been pregnant five times and have been blessed with two healthy active boys. I feel very grateful for the children that God has given me, but I still grieve for the losses that I have had.
From the time of conception, the life inside of me is precious and I feel responsible to nourish and take care of that little life. It is an awesome responsibility and a privilege to carry a child. I had my first son Ryan at age 24 with no issues at all. I was able to get pregnant the first time trying....I don't even for a second take that blessing for granted. He is now a healthy 7 year old baseball lover like his father.
The first baby I lost on November 16, 2003....it sadly happened on Dave's birthday. I was around 4 weeks pregnant and I had no idea that I was pregnant at that time. I had just finished breastfeeding Ryan and I thought that I had my period...but it was the start of a miscarriage. It was a hard time because I blamed myself. I became pregnant with Aaron two months later...praise the Lord...and I had another healthy baby boy! I had many complications with him while I was pregnant...a low lying placenta and bleeding. My midwife told me my chances of miscarrying him were higher because of the placenta issue. Praise God, he is in my life. He is a five year old with a very contagious smile and he has such a sweet personality. He is also mommy's little helper. Both of my children are miracles.
The second loss was October, 2010. Dave and I were trying and it took one time for me to get pregnant....again blessed. I was so excited because the baby would be due in June...a summer baby. We were planning on telling our family over Thanksgiving. I made it to 8 weeks, but had bleeding issues. The ultrasound and blood work confirmed that the baby was not viable.....it was heartbreaking. All the hopes and dreams that I had for this baby would not be. It was a very hard Thanksgiving for me because this was the time when I was supposed to be telling everyone our wonderful news...my heart was broken.
Even through my grief, I felt the urgency to get pregnant as soon as possible. We waited about a month before trying and then we were again on another pregnancy journey. I became pregnant with Liam sometime in December...oh I was feeling so blessed. God has blessed me with fertility and I will never take that for granted. I was cautiously expecting this baby and just taking it day by day because I knew my heart could get broken again. Dave and I were excited, but this time kept the excitement to ourselves for a very long time. I had bleeding with him for about two weeks and it finally stopped. All of my blood work came back normal and I was feeling more at ease. I made it past 8 weeks and started to relax a little more. Each week I relaxed a little more....We told Ryan and Aaron around 13 weeks because we thought it was a "safe" time to tell them. The boys were so cute and excited that they would be having a brother or a sister. I remember Aaron saying, "Well, where is the baby?...i want the baby to come right now!" I just smiled and said" Well, your going to have to wait until September." The weeks ahead were going to be exciting..the planning, dreaming, setting up baby's room, and teaching the kids about how baby brother or sister got into mommy's tummy......